


If I Had 1,000,000

by TheSmallTownGirl



Category: Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: During Canon, Fluff and Crack, M/M, POV Penelope Bunce, POV Simon Snow, POV Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch, Singing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-23
Updated: 2020-04-23
Packaged: 2021-03-01 23:54:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,188
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23795707
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheSmallTownGirl/pseuds/TheSmallTownGirl
Summary: Penny spells Simon and Baz to sing what they really feel about each other
Relationships: Penelope Bunce & Simon Snow, Penelope Bunce & Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch, Penelope Bunce/Shepard, Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch/Simon Snow
Comments: 2
Kudos: 66





	If I Had 1,000,000

**Author's Note:**

> This is a total self-indulgent crack fic. Takes place during eighth year but like Shep is there because why not? To enhace the reading, listen to If I Had $1,000,000 by the Barenaked Ladies. Enjoy!

***Penny's POV***

****Simon and Baz are bloody bickering _again_. Lately, it hasn't been anything too hostile, just a few small arguments here and there while we've been figuring out how to kill the Humdrum. But if I didn't know that they 'hated' each other, I'd call it a bit of a domestic. Simon has come to breakfast every day this week complaining about Basil and how _posh_ and _perfect_ he is. I swear, sometimes he can be the daftest person I know. All I know at this point is that I= need to knock some sense into the both of them before _I_ fall in love with Baz. And at the rate Simon complains about how perfect he is, it might be bloody soon.

As Simon, Shep and I are walking to the abandoned theatre off campus, he's (once again) 'complaining' about Baz. "His hair was clogging the drain _again_ , Penny!" (See? Domestic.) "And the prat had the audacity to just smirk about it! Can you believe that?"

"Well, I-" He tugs at his messy curls as he interrupts me.

"It's like, _we bloody get it_ , you have great long hair and you always shower with your posh cedar and bergamot soap!" I just sigh and try tuning him out as we make our way across the pitch. Seriously, how does Simon manage to complain about Baz's beautiful hair and great smell and _still_ think they're just enemies? Shep and I give each other a look and roll our eyes- their feelings for each other are really only not obvious to the two of them.

"Remind me again why I agreed to this truce, Pen?" _Because you love him, dolt._

"Because we need each other's help, Si." And then he's off again jabbering, even as we enter the theatre and see Baz sitting on the stage. Simon only shuts up when we get close to him.

"Bunce. Snow," Baz starts, eyes lingering on Simon. (The pair of them, I _swear_.) "Where do we begin today?" His eyebrow is arched in the way that riles Simon up (and not in the way he thinks), and he moves his gaze to me. He looks tired- I don't think he's getting much sleep.

"Well I was actually thinking we'd start with a sort of bonding exercise..." They both roll their eyes but go to stand on stage next to each other while Shep and I stand off in the wings.

"What are you going to make them do?" He asks, elbowing me with a smile.

"You'll see," I wink.

"Well, Pen? What is it?" Simon asks me, determined to stay at least four feet away from Baz.

"I've decided I'm done with your relationship drama." Simon blushes and starts stuttering, trying to deny it.

"Wh- Pen, _no_. I mean... Baz and I- we're _enemies_!" Baz stays silent, skin flushing slightly as he sets his jaw and looks the other way. I roll my eyes for what feels like the hundredth time today.

I huff, "This is what I'm bloody talking about!"

Before he can protest further, I lift up my ring and cast **Music is What Feelings Sound Like**. The magic takes hold almost immediately, darkening the lights in the room and stiffening the boys to stand straight. A spotlight moves to Baz, and music starts playing in the background. _This song_?! I have to stifle a laugh as I watch my spell play out perfectly.

***Baz's POV***

****Bunce is trying to kill me. I never intended Simon to find out my feelings- not like _this_. I wanted to tell him as his sword plunged into me, tears welling in my eyes. Not in a fucking _song_ that is not even what I listen to, anyway. But my mouth moves with a mind of its own as I start singing the folky lines of a song I would never sing in a million years.

I look out into the crowd, a serious look on my face. (I can feel Simon's eyes on me.) "If I had a million dollars-"

"If I had a million dollars..." Simon's voice echoes mine as another spotlight shines on him, and I can hear Bunce's stifled laughter from here. The spotlight fades off of him but stays on me.

My body moves now, too of its own volition, walking over to Simon and doing a small dance move that seems as though it could be from the 50s. He smiles at me and he's the sun. (I know it's just the song doing it to him, but a bloke can hope.) "Well I'd buy you a house-" After I sing the words, my body freezes in an ending dance pose. The spotlight moves from me to him.

Simon copies the move I just did, echoing me again and saying "I would buyyy you a house!" He freezes in the same pose as me. _I love him_.

"And if I had a million dollars-"

"If I had a million dollars!" I spin him into me and then back out, keeping our hands together.

"I'd buy you furniture for your house-"

"Maybe a nice chesterfield or an ottoman!" He comes back close to me and we do something resembling an upbeat waltz. There are many thoughts going through my mind, such as _what the fuck_ , _why me_ , and _fuck me, Simon Snow_. Mostly I'm just focused on how I tried to convince myself all those years that Simon's eyes were boring blue. Nothing special. But the way that he's looking at me right now, I have to come to the conclusion that I was bloody dead from the neck up, and his blue eyes are the most exceptional thing I've ever seen.

"And if I had a million dollars-"

"If I had a million dollars!" As we swing around the stage, Simon's terrible wailing might be simultaneously the sweetest and most torturous thing I've ever heard.

"I'd buy you a K-car-" What is a K-car, and _what the bloody hell am I doing with my hips_?

"A nice reliant automobile!" We sing together the next part and Simon comes in close, twirling and pressing against me. If magic wasn't controlling me I'd be sporting a right hard-on.

"And if I had a million dollars..." We sway together, looking into each other's eyes, which is completely cliche and absolutely perfect. "I'd buy your loveeee..." I understand why this is the song _I'm_ singing, but- why is _he_ singing it if it's supposed to tell each other how we feel? Perhaps Bunce's magic is faulty.

But I don't have much time to ponder over it, because the next thing I know, we're ripping our clothes off to somehow reveal posh outfits that seem as though they could be from dapper dancers of the 1800's. We suddenly have tophats and canes, and before I can think much of it, I'm whisked away from Snow into some sort of solo with the spotlight on me.

***Simon's POV***

****I hate Baz very bloody much sometimes. His unwavering, pitch perfect voice and flawless dance moves. The way he looks right fit in the new clothes we suddenly have on. (Seriously, no bloke has a right to look that bloody fit in clothes from the 1800's.) And now he has some sort of solo and I'm standing off to the side admiring ( _not_ admiring- _watching_ ) him and singing a few parts with him.

"If I had a million dollars-" We sing together, Baz facing outward, me facing Baz.

"I'd build a tree fort in our yard!" He finishes, facing me with a smile. (I don't know if I've ever seen Baz smile before. It's... nice.)

"If I had a million dollars-"

"-you could help it wouldn't be that hard!"

"If I had a million dollars-"

"Maybe we could put a little tiny refrigerator in there somewhere..." He comes over and grabs both of my hands, pulling me back to the center of the stage in some sort of dance-walk mix, and I copy his movements.

My mouth moves without my consent, as it so often does. "You know we could just go up and hang out." I sing-talk.

"Like open the fridge and stuff and there'd be foods laid out for us!" (Even though it's just a song, I would love to really do that. Maybe not with him, but maybe.)

"With little pre-wrapped sausages and things, mmm." A part of Baz peeks through and he rolls my eyes like he so often does when I mention food. Usually I see it as hostile, but right now, it only seems like good fun between mates.

"They have pre-wrapped sausages but they don't have pre-wrapped bacon!"

"Well can you blame them?" He lets go of my hands when I say that and does some sort of dance step spin.

"Yeah!" He laughs and goes back to dancing with me. As we start on the next verse, I find myself not minding this so much anymore. This is... well this is a right fun 'bonding exercise'. (I wonder briefly why this is the song we're singing to each other, but my thoughts are wiped away as Baz takes my hand again.)

***Shepherd's POV***

****I lean into Penny as we watch the boys dance and sing, and I feel her shaking with laughter. As I stare on, I whisper into her ear, "What the fuck."

She laughs harder. She continues watching the boys, and I start watching her. (She's brilliant when she laughs.)

***Penny's POV***

****The boys are twirling around on stage in their dapper outfits and spotlights, singing about fur coats and elephant bones, and when Shepherd leans in to say what the fuck, I can't help but nearly bloody collapse in a fit of laughter. I think Shep notices because he secures an arm around me as I'm about to go down and laughs into my shoulder with me. He doesn't move his arm when I'm done laughing.

And I don't tell him to.

***Baz's POV***

****I think this is what dying feels like. Simon, the bloody prat, comes back to my arms (I know he can't help it) and starts swaying with me again as we sing the line "And if I had a million dollars, I'd buy your loveee..." He's mere inches from my face, and right when my stomach nearly empties itself because _fuck is Simon going to kiss me_ , he smirks and then dances away, beginning his solo. I can't tell if I'm disappointed or relieved.

"If I had a million dollars-" We sing in unison.

"We wouldn't have to walk to the store!"  
"If I had a million dollars-"  
"We'd take a limousine 'cause it coooosts more!"

"If I had a million dollars-"

"We wouldn't have to eat Kraft dinner!" And then we proceed to have a conversation about how we _would_ eat Kraft dinner (whatever that is), but just more, with fancy dijon ketchups, which results in us both bursting into laughter.

***Simon's POV***

****We sing the rest of the song, and I can feel my body getting rather tired. But I _also_ feel like this song is leading up to something- a big finish of sorts. To _what_ I'm not sure, but I decide not to think about it, and instead focus on the fit bloke in front of me. We get to the last line, closer to each other than ever.

"If I had a million dollars..." We sway together, harmonizing. We throw our tophats and canes haphazardly into the crowd.

Just as the song hits its most musical, most climactic part, I yell "I'd be rich!" (Which is a _very_ dumb me thing to say.) The music gives one last hard trumpet spurt and then cuts out. Just as it finally ends, the magic gives one last push and forces Baz and I's bodies together, making us kiss.

It feels forced at first, but as the magic wears off, we both melt into it, grabbing hair, clothes, cheeks, anything we can get our hands on. (It must still be a little bit of the magic.)

The spotlights black out and Baz and I only spring apart moments later when we hear Shep and Penny slowly clapping.

***Penny's POV***

****They're both somehow back in their normal clothes, and when they spring apart, they're both flushed (Baz as flushes as he can physically be) and sputtering. (I've never known Baz to stutter- he must be very bloody into Simon.) They're looking everywhere but at each other.

Shep and I come out of the wings clapping and I can't help but wear a smug grin. "Yeah, enemies. _Sure_ you are." I laugh as they start sputtering out denials, but I can tell that both of them have some glimmer of hope- some sort of feeling that _maybe_ they both feel the same way. (It took them long enough to figure it out.)

Even though they both deny it, by the time we walk out of the theatre (after Simon and Baz chatted privately), they walk out holding hands.

And I'd be bloody damned if either of them ever let go. 


End file.
